Thursday, February 08, 2007

I am human

Well today I felt a tremendous saddness about the loss of this pregnancy. It's still not necessarily for this particular entity -- I still hold that I didn't have a relationship with this little guy. But this morning DD found out in a rather awful way, and I feel so horrible for her.

We had a rough morning at home -- DD woke up a good hour or so before her normal time. She was very cranky with DH, who graciously got up with her, read her books, etc. But when I got up DD fell apart and just wanted Mommy (even though I was happy to sleep by myself while DH coddled her). Anyway, it was a kicking and screaming and angry fit throughout the morning until we loaded up and went to daycare.

While a tired and grumpy DH waited in the car, I dropped off DD. When I walked into DD's daycare, I saw one of DD's favorite teachers. She immediately said, "Congratulations!" I shook my head and said, "No, not this time." She looked confused, and I simply said, "Well, it's gone" and walked to DD's class (I didn't want to be rude, but I was in a hurry feeling that passive-aggressive anger from DH who had an admittedly crappy morning with a cranky DD).

Then, in the classroom, DD's head teacher said, "You know, LL is going to be a big sister. And AM is going to be a big brother. Yesterday DD said she's going to be a big sister, too!" All the kids were around, the teacher and I were squatting next to the kids, me tugging DD's jacket off, trying to hurry to get a grouchy DH to work. And I said, "Well, not this time. It's gone." And DD looked at me, screamed, "NO! I *AM* going to be a Big Sister!" and started to cry.


In my typical fashion, I stopped, looked at DD, and calmly said, "Well sweetheart, sometimes these things just go away." I am happy to talk to DD about death, even using the word dead, but I know not everyone talks to their kids that way, and I was sensitive to the other kids around. Especially those with sisters or brothers gestating. They didn't need to think that their siblings would die, at least not for another 80 years or so. So, I shielded my words, gave DD a hug, told her she was a special girl but that, at least right now, she wasn't going to be a big sister. Not yet. And that's OK to not be a big sister.


About an hour later, waiting at the drs office for a blood test to measure the PG hormones, I had this overwhelming urge to get DD from daycare and spend the day with her. I felt the oddest sensation of wanting to apologize to her over and over again for not making her a big sister. And I wanted to give her a baby simply to make her a big sister. Not because I necessarily crave another child (although I do welcome it), but because I had taken something from her and wanted to give it back.

All in due time. Maybe.

Related to this I've been thinking about knitting. Cara at January One talked about her knitting project while her DH went through some major medical trauma. She talked about how the knitting was theraputic in the waiting room, helping her pass the time and get her frustration out via needles and yarn instead of people. But afterwards, her FO was tinged with a bit of that history, a bit of that frustration and pain and anxiety.

I re-started my first pair of socks, for me, using Socks That Rock yarn, which I've been wanting to knit up for almost 6 months now. I envisioned knitting with it in the drs office waiting for all this to start, knitting on the couch while resting afterwards, etc. And I wondered, would this be tainted?

Given who I am and how I feel (or don't feel) about so many things in life, I think not. I think they'll be my first pair of socks, knitted with a very beautiful STR yarn and color, and knit in a sock pattern of my own making.

Now I am knitting a snuggly, a snuggly for me, not the world. And it does make me feel better.


Netter said...

What a terribly difficult situation for all of you.

Heidi said...

Thanks for sharing your thougths. I've been wanting to explore this issue, too: knitting through pain. It has its pros and cons, but a lot of it is how you think of it. Like much of life, I guess.

Amy Lane said...

It's weird.. I thought I was the only mom on earth who felt bad about stuff totally out of my control-- (Twains, mama...twaiiiiinssss....) but the thing is, I think it's all related to your general sadness--you miss the dream of another child--part of that dream was giving DD the family you've been dreaming of. There's nothing wrong with that--nothing at all. I waited 9 years to be pregnant with the cave troll--don't ask me why, only Goddess knows...and every time I took a pg test, I felt that let down, and that disappointment, and that mental 'c'mon--you've already got a more is superfluous...'--but my dream said 4. Dreams don't care about what you should feel--they just care about what you WANTED to feel. You wanted to give your daughter a gift. Once again, there's not a thing wrong with that.